Hindsight

When you collected me
from that noisy house
and said you wanted
to go somewhere quiet
I should have known

When you drove in silence
and stared straight ahead
kept your hand on the wheel
and away from my leg
I should have known

When we drank tea with
our so-called mutual friend
and you spoke in hushed whispers
as she bent her head
I should have known

When you walked behind me
on that windy beach
and idly picked up
pebbles and debris
I should have known

When you held my hand
and half-heartedly
wiped away my salted tears
kissed my trembling lips
I should have known

When you touched me
in the darkness of your room
and watched silently
as our bodies joined
I should have known

If I had known
I would have let you go
I would have spared you the guilt
I would have spared myself the humiliation
of so many more moments on the pendulum

I would have said goodbye to you
I would have made a clean break
after holding those piano hands
after feeling that milky skin
after kissing that open mouth
one last time

But it does not matter now
my heart has healed
I am happy
and so are you

 

2 thoughts on “Hindsight

    1. Thank you. The day in question was a defining moment for me, but it took many years to gain enough perspective to write this and reflect on the teachings of first love.

      Like

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